Deep Cover

It is one thing to recognize that you have been betrayed by your father, your brother, your husband, your culture, and your country. It takes a deeper level of insight to see that you have also betrayed yourself.

This is more than just another survivor story. It is the pilgrimage of a woman who dared to go deeper, to penetrate beneath the surface, and to uncover the roots of fear, abuse, and lies. Nadia has the courage not only to identify the narcissists in her life, but to find the wisdom to forgive and move beyond self-defeating behaviors. With heartfelt passion, she challenges readers to discover the deepest truths, even when it means facing all the lies you have been telling yourself. ~Candy Paull, author, Finding Serenity in Seasons of Stress

Deans first book, A Demand of Blood: The Cherokee War of 1776, brought to life the compelling story of the southern frontier on the brink of war. Here is historical writing at its finestan examination of the past which both connects us to that past and teaches us lessons on our present. (Smoky Mountain News) Now Dean applies that same rigorous examination of historythis time to her own past.

I awakened to realities Id too long neglected to acknowledge. I came to realize that the highly risky behaviors Id engaged in much of my life, especially entanglements with dangerous men, might one day destroy me if I didnt change. I repeated that destructive cycle until I came to understand that the only remedy for my disordered personality was a wholesale reformation of my soul. ~from Deep Cover

I wrote this to offer hope to women whove been traumatized and who wonder if they could ever live a happy life. Im living proof that its possible.

~Nadia Dean

It is one thing to recognize that you have been betrayed by your father, your brother, your husband, your culture, and your country. It takes a deeper level of insight to see that you have also betrayed yourself.

"This is more than just another survivor story. It is the pilgrimage of a woman who dared to go deeper, to penetrate beneath the surface, and to uncover the roots of fear, abuse, and lies. Nadia has the courage not only to identify the narcissists in her life, but to find the wisdom to forgive and move beyond self-defeating behaviors. With heartfelt passion, she challenges readers to discover the deepest truths, even when it means facing all the lies you have been telling yourself." ~Candy Paull, author, Finding Serenity in Seasons of Stress

Dean's first book, A Demand of Blood: The Cherokee War of 1776, brought to life the compelling story of the southern frontier on the brink of war. "Here is historical writing at its finest—an examination of the past which both connects us to that past and teaches us lessons on our present." (Smoky Mountain News) Now Dean applies that same rigorous examination of history—this time to her own past.

"I awakened to realities I'd too long neglected to acknowledge. I came to realize that the highly risky behaviors I'd engaged in much of my life, especially entanglements with dangerous men, might one day destroy me if I didn't change. I repeated that destructive cycle until I came to understand that the only remedy for my disordered personality was a wholesale reformation of my soul." ~from Deep Cover

"I wrote this to offer hope to women who've been traumatized and who wonder if they could ever live a happy life. I'm living proof that it's possible."

~Nadia Dean

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .vii

Author’s note . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xiii

Preface . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . xv

Prologue . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  . . . . . . . xix

Chapter 1 Wakeup Call . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .1

Chapter 2 Please, Just Let Me Die . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9

Chapter 3 The Torment of Sudden Death . . . . . . . . . 27

Chapter 4 The Shift . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .33

Chapter 5 The Man Behind the Mask . . . . . . . . . . . .41

Chapter 6 The Hope of New Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . .51

Chapter 7 Baptism by Fire . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 65

Chapter 8 Welcome to the Family of God . . . . . . . . . 69

Chapter 9 Please, Don’t Repeat My Past . . . . . . . . . .73

Chapter 10 Fiancé Visa . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .83

Chapter 11 The Arrival . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .87

Chapter 12 A Thief in Our Midst . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 97

Chapter 13 It’s All About the Music . . . . . . . . . . . . .105

Chapter 14 The Pain Has a Name . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .109

Chapter 15 Denial Ain’t a River in Egypt . . . . . . . . .113

Chapter 16 This Is Not The Life I Ordered . . . . . . . . 117

Chapter 17 Honor Killing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .127

Chapter 18 The Jig Is Up . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .131

Chapter 19 Trusting Anyone is Questionable . . . . . .143

Chapter 20 You Need Somebody Tough . . . . . . . . . .153

Chapter 21 For A While, I Was His Flying Monkey . . . . . . . . . . .165

Chapter 22 Confidential Informant . . . . . . . . . . . . .173

Chapter 23 The Fallout . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .179

Chapter 24 Digging Myself Out of This, Whole . . . . 185

Chapter 25 My Writer’s Journey . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .191

Chapter 26 Finding Healing on the Mountain . . . . .195

Chapter 27 Suicide No Longer an Option . . . . . . . . . 203

Chapter 28 Am I the Only One He Swindled? . . . . .207

Chapter 29 Loss and Redemption . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 211

Chapter 30 God, Please Make Him Go Away

and Leave Me Alone . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .217

Chapter 31 A Narcissist’s Daughter . . . . . . . . . . . . . .223