Because We Are Bad

'Extremely compelling' – THE GUARDIAN'It's a fascinating read... Buy the book! Buy the book!' – JO GOOD, BBC RADIO LONDON'Searing... funny, eloquent and honest' – PSYCHOLOGIES'Remarkable... I hope this book finds a wide readership' – WASHINGTON POST'A beautifully-rendered memoir' – PUBLISHERS WEEKLY'Often as chilling as Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar, but also full of so much inner and external turbulence that it reminded me at times of The Bourne Identity and Memento. Readers will root for Lily, even when she is attempting to run away from the realities and sometimes authorities chasing her.' – HUFFPOST UK'A harrowingly honest memoir' – KIRKUS REVIEWS'Because We Are Bad is an emotional, challenging read. Lily takes us deep into the heart of the illness but she is also a deft writer, and even the darkest moments are peppered with wit and wry observations.' – JAMES LLOYD, OCD-UKAs a child, Lily Bailey knew she was bad.By the age of 13, she had killed someone with a thought, spread untold disease, and spied upon her classmates.Only by performing a series of secret routines could she correct her wrongdoing. But it was never enough. She had a severe case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and it came with a bizarre twist.This true story lights up the workings of the mind like Mark Haddon or Matt Haig. Anyone who wants to know about OCD, and how to fight back, should read this book.It is ideal for anyone who liked books by fellow OCD sufferers Bryony Gordon (Mad Girl, Glorious Rock Bottom), Rose Cartwright (Pure), and David Adam (The Man Who Couldn't Stop: The Truth About OCD).EXTRACTChapter 1: Chesbury HospitalFrom the outside, Chesbury Hospital in London looks like a castle that got lost and was plonked down in the wrong place. It is long and white, with battlements and arched windows from which princesses could call down, in the chapter before they are saved.But it's not entirely believable. Where the portcullis should be, there are giant glass doors. Walk through them, and you could be in a five-star hotel. The man at reception wears a suit and tie and asks if he can help, like he's going to book you a table. A glass cupboard showcases the gifts sold by reception: bath oils, rejuvenating face cream, and Green & Black's chocolate, just in case you arrive empty-handed to see a crazy relative and need an icebreaker.The walls, lampshades, window fittings, and radiators are all a similar, unnameable colour, somewhere between brown, yellow, and cream. A looping gold chandelier is suspended by a heavy chain; the fireplace has marble columns. The members of staff have busy, preoccupied faces—until they come close to you, when their mouths break into wide, fixed smiles.Compared with the Harley Street clinic, there is a superiorchoice of herbal teas. When the police arrived after the escape, Mum cried a lot; then she shouted. Now she has assumed a sense of British resolve. She queries: 'Wild Jasmine, Purple Rose, or Earl Grey?'A nurse checks through my bag, which has been lugged upstairs. She takes the razor (fair enough), tweezers (sort of fair enough), a bottle of Baileys lying forgotten in the handbag (definitely fair enough), and headphones (definitely not fair enough). There would never be a hanging: far too much mess.The observation room is next to the nurses' station; they keep you there until you are no longer a risk to yourself.It is 10th January, 2013, and I am 19.ABOUT THE WRITERLily Bailey is a model, writer, and mental health campaigner.As a child and teenager, Lily suffered from severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). She kept her illness private, until the widespread misunderstanding of the disorder spurred her into action.

TABLE OF CONTENTS1. CHESBURY HOSPITAL. Lily Bailey is in Chesbury Hospital, a private facility in London for patients with mental and physical illnesses. Lily is 19. 'The observation room is next to the nurses' station; they keep you there until you are no longer a risk to yourself.'2. MY FRIEND. Lily is in the playground, but her imaginary friend is not the others. She lives in her head all the time. 'Two of us sat side by side in my head, woven together, inseparable. She didn't even have a name; she was just She. Really, it was hard to say where She ended and I began.'3. THE LETTER. Lily gets a letter from school, which must contain terrible news. Lily hides the letter from her grandmother because this terrible news must not reach her father and mother. Lily is bad. Very bad. Her cousin has died: Lily killed him with a thought.4. NEW SCHOOL. It is Lily's first day at Buxton House. The other children laugh at Lily. She repeats the words: 'Fresh start. Fresh start. Fresh start.' Lily creeps into her sister's room because Ella could stop breathing at any moment. It is important to check that Ella is alive.5. MUM AND DAD. Lily is told to be concerned with hygiene when visiting the swimming pool. Lily resolves to take this very seriously. Her routines intensify. Intrusive thoughts pop into her head. Mum and Dad's arguing worsens.6. SWEARING IN CHURCH. 'Church is not the place for these words, but we can't make them go away. Fucking boring ass church. Crap, fuck, shit, wanker, cunt.' Lily is one of the best at maths, but when Lily makes a mistake her friend in her head says: 'Stupid. Stupid. Stupid'.7. MOST APOLOGETIC GIRL. At the Buxton House Leavers' Awards, Lily receives an unusual award. 'I'm sorry I was laughing when you walked past me in the corridor yesterday. I want you to know it was about something Mia said. I wasn't laughing at you.'8. HAMBLEDON. When she moves to boarding school, Lily's routines intensify. 'Recording our mistakes has become our full-time occupation. Most words are generated when interacting with other people, like at mealtimes or when everyone is hanging out in the dorm.' She lists her errors for 4 hours a day.9. RUNNING FROM WORDS. Lily takes up athletics to flee from the lists that form in her heads. If she can run fast enough, the exertion - the sheer breathlessness - will silence her mind.10. STUMBLING. Unable to keep up with her routines and overwhelmed with her lists, Lily's world finally collapses. She rushed to the bathroom. 'We curl up in a ball and rock back and forward. Normally the cold tiles make us feel better, but today they don't'11. SPECIAL NEEDS DEPARTMENT. Lily has to take GCSEs and is awarded 'extra time' because she is a 'slow processor'. Her friend in her head takes issue with the extra time Lily has been given. She scolds her: 'Lying scummy cheat. Lying scummy cheat. Lying scummy cheat.'12. COMING HOME. Lily feigns an illness so that she is discharged from school. Her mother picks her up and takes her to a homeopathic doctor who prescribes some pills. Her mother also takes Lily to a GP, who finds her iron is low. She is referred to a specialist13. DOCTOR, DOCTOR. At a psychiatric hospital, Lily meets Dr Finch for the first time. Her friend insists there is no need to see this doctor. Has she ever let her down? Dr Finch says Lily has OCD: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Her friend is unhappy. 'OCD is a mental disorder. What we do is good'14. PILLS, PILLS, PILLS. Having an invisible friend is unusual in OCD, Dr Finch explains. She says that Lily is not a bad person, but is worried about being a bad person. Lily must do CBT, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. She tells Lily to rest from her routines. Lily's friend is unhappy and mocks her.15. DRIVING. Lily goes on a car journey with Dr Finch.